CH 16: MR. GREEN PANTS LE ROUX | CRAZY AND DECKED IN FINERY

Toi qui,comme un coup de couteau,
Dans mon coeur plaintif es est entree;
Toi qui forte, comme un troupeau
De demons, vins ,folle et paree

                             ~Charles Baudelaire

Le Roux tried to blend into the crowd while he imagined what he would say to the countess. It would have to be brief and very good. She had keen reflexes. That was one of many traits he adored in her but tonight it seemed to be working against his cause.

He was hardly noticed in the crowd that was mesmerized 
by RED MADONNA AND THE RED MADONNAS. No one batted an eye when he exhibited crustacean behaviours from force of habit. He had, after all, been a scavenger longer than he had been a man and these transitions could make anyone forget how to behave under the circumstances. He was busy eating the lint from his bellybutton but spit it out quickly when he realized it wasn't organic and no one else was doing it.

Meanwhile on the sports fishing pier, Petunia just about had enough. She had waited for what seemed like an eternity. The crab stood her up. She searched the wharf in vain for Mr. "green pants" Le Roux and then marched off to check the bedpan in the bay window just in case Le Roux had become his old self again.

Petunia was just about to give into frustration and go tell Dr. OMG what she'd done and how everything went wrong. She decided to tidy up first, emptied the bed pan and hid the Dom Perignon bottles so that she would not be bogged down in too many explanations. It was then that she glanced out of the alcove window and saw her brother being murdered by Mr. Green Pants, aka Henry Merci, occupied by the horrid Louis Le Roux V.

~ To Be Continued ~

CH 15: TWAIN AND TESLA FIND A FLOATER

"As I was saying, you talk as if you believe we live in a literate society! I'm prepared to pay these young men to conduct an opinion poll, starting with them! Boys, what does the name painted on this boat make you think of?" Dr. OMG nodded at his good friend Bart and winked at the boys, sure that his point was about to be made.

"The deceitful, self-aggrandizing wretch who was sentenced to rolling a boulder uphill for eternity," 12 year old Tesla blurted without thinking.

"Ah, er, what I meant was, what might most people accidentally think of a boat named Sisyphus?" Dr. OMG cringed at Tesla and looked hopefully to 12 year old Mark Twain.

"Well, I could see how someone in a hurry might mistakenly think of the frenzied oracular utterances of the Greek prophetesses, the Sybils of the Oracula Sibyllina, written in Greek hexameters," Twain mused.

"It could happen," Tesla agreed.

Dr. OMG was so blindsided he dropped the can of paint on his toe and hopped around the deck on one foot. Bart Gusto laughed so hard that his folding chair collapsed underneath him.

"That's definitely Merlin, but he ain't right," Tesla elbowed Twain and showed him the device that was blinking because the man hopping before them had a constitution that matched the hair from Merlin's cave.

"Come here!" Twain dragged Tesla to the taffrail of the stern and pointed at a dead body floating in the harbor.

~ To Be Continued ~

CH 14: PLAN B | GETTING READY FOR LOVE

Le Roux regained consciousness on the sand under the pier. He still occupied Henry Merci's shell and it was smarting like hell from the blow he'd received from the love of his life, Countess Victoria Von Van Dee De La Fountainebleute. 

"Perhaps I should have spruced up before I declared my love. I shall make the necessary repairs to win her!" Le Roux was more determined than ever.

First he barged into Ivana's IVANA CUT YOUR HAIR salon and demanded a fetching do. He was drawn to the style a fellow in a magazine was sporting and asked about it. He hated the silky hair he had inherited from Henry Merci. It fell into his new face and hampered his vision. The fellow in the magazine had great blue spikes that stood straight up and seemed to please him.

"Can you see through the tips when they are arranged that way?" He asked Ivanna. She wasn't sure what he meant.

"If someone sit behind you at the opera, they can probably still see the opera. Or they can move. I don't know." Ivanna had never been asked this question before so she had to think on the spur of her toes.

Le Roux grew even more impatient. Time was moving with wicked speed and he had to rescue his proud dream from the rocks.

"Well then, bother it all! Shave my head and be done with it!" he snapped since he couldn't see thru the tips of his hair when they pointed down and no one could tell him if he would be able to see through them if they were stationed up.

Le Roux was so rude they mistook him for a rich man and did what he said. When his head was clean shaven he looked in the mirror and out of habit spit. Then he ran out without paying the bill or leaving a tip.

He repeated this behaviour in various shops up and down the pier until nearly everyone wished they could get their hands on him.

Marcel was the only one who didn't light out after Le Roux. He simply reported the incident to the pier police and allowed them handle it.

"Did the perpetrator have any identifying marks," the officer inquired.

Marcel informed the officer that there was a broken heart tattoo with the name "Vicky" right in the middle of the young man's forehead. Marcel had just finished putting it there at the young man's request.

"That helps," the officer put on his helmet and as he walked toward his bicycle, Marcel called out.

"Officer, you didn't ask me what his name was," Marcel complained.

"You know his name?" the officer squinted.

"Everybody knows Henry Merci, the pier gondalier," Marcel squinted back.

~ To Be Continued ~

CHAPTER 12: IT IS YOU I LOVE! ZUT ALORS!

Countess Fountainebleute fluttered about at Mayor Miller's gala event.  She said all the right things to all the right people but they hardly heard her.  She kept her rage hidden behind a nauseating demi-smile.

Everyone had crowded the stage between sets to have their photo taken with Red Madonna And The Red Madonnas. All iPhones were on the racy Russian rockers.

Even Verge was smitten by Red Madonna.  When she returned to the stage for the next set, she threw her headband and Verge caught it and clutched it to his heart.  The countess took him aside and demanded to know why he wasn't with Julia Miller, the Mayor's daughter.

"She has a boyfriend. She's in love with Henry Merci," Verge whined and tiptoed so he could see what Red Madonna was doing.

There was so much commotion in the club and on the pier that Mayor Miller was being pulled in all directions.  Reporters tried to corner him to ask if the helicopter that just landed on the roof was the FBI or the CIA and how he supposed harboring international fugitives was going to effect his political career.

Mayor Miller flatly remarked that he did not book bands, that his employee Henry Merci booked the talent. He pulled away from the nest of reporters and ran right into the countess. She demanded the head of Henry Merci on a plate.  Mayor Miller went out to the deck to fetch it for her.

Behind the club on the deck, Julia Miller and Henry Merci were on the verge of their first kiss.  Julia tied a ribbon from her hair around his wrist. Henry gave her his ponytail band and she put it on her wrist as if it was a bracelet of incalculable worth. 

As they leaned in for the first kiss, Petunia's wish, Mayor Miller and the countess collided in the space time continuum and prevented the kiss.

"Yuck! You are ugly, stupid and you have a bad smell! I never want to see you again," Crab Louis Le Roux V's consciousness was now inhabiting Henry Merci's body and these were his first words in his new body.

Henry Merci found his consciousness in a crab soaking in a bedpan full of Dom Perignon. In addition to the shock of being instantly transformed into a crab, he was slammed by acute alcohol poisoning as well. He lost his wits for a bit and made sounds like an old ice machine in a run down motel.

"God! Oh God! If ever, NOT NOW! NOT TONIGHT!" were Henry's first words as a crab. Helpless and horrified, he looked down and in the distance saw his former face rudely barking at his beloved Julia. That and the Dom Perignon were more than he could take. He passed out.

Julia wondered if Henry was saying the awful words to throw off her father. She held her wrist that wore his hair band to her heart.

"It is YOU I love!" Louis Le Roux spun his new body around so he was face to face with the furious Countess Victoria Fountanibleute.

The countess reared back and punched him so hard that he was knocked out cold.

~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

CRAB LOUIE V CH 11: MARCEL IS FULL OF NIETZSCHE! MARINATE ME AT ONCE!

"Do you think he loves her?" Petunia sighed and got more comfortable on her bay window cushion.

"He loves the pizza,"  Louis Le Roux cracked.  He was sitting in a bedpan on the window sill.  From this cozy alcove they could see most of what was going on in the harbor. They could hear Dean Martin's voice coming from the jukebox in the pizza shop next to Marcel's Tattoo Parlor.  A fat man was eating a slice of pizza and supervising Marcel the tattooist as he engraved a delicate rosebud on a young lady's derriere.

"Not him. Marcel. Does Marcel love her?" Petunia pondered.

"You've had too much champagne. Pardon me but you are a silly girl!" Louis commented.

"It was your idea that we should fortify our nerves with this stuff before entering the night," Petunia scooted a few inches away to express her displeasure and took a long sip straight from the Dom Perignon bottle.

"Come back, little flower petal! I regret having offended you. Excuse me.  I did not mean to imply that you cannot hold your liquor when it is obvious to me that you can. I was merely suggesting that your are innocent of the crime we call 'love'," Louis explained.

"I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch..." Petunia sang, ignoring him.

"Mercy! What nonsense! Now you are being silly!  When have you ever been alone or experienced loneliness? Marinate me at once!  I have had a shock! More wine!" Louis Le Roux motioned with his claw for Petunia to pour more champagne into the bedpan.  She complied.  He sighed with relief and spit a little on the windowpane, as is a crab's habit.

"I forgive you, Your Royal Rudeness," Petunia reluctantly forgave him.

"Then I am fortunate once again and will take more care," Louis promised.

"See that you do," Petunia scolded.

"Oh, I will. I must. I am love's fool and I must obey,"

"You said I get three wishes provided the first wish is to wish you inside the body of a loveable man," Petunia repeated the terms of their deal.

"Yes. A man that any woman will not be able to resist. That is the gist of it," Louis confirmed.

"Why can't you give yourself wishes?" She shot him a suspicious look.

"My mistress installed the one way wishing magic mainly to protect me from predators.  There was never a chef built that would boil a fellow who offered him three wishes if he wouldn't.  Except, of course, that deaf chef, Otis! I bit his thumbs, alright! I bit his thumbs!"  The memory of being held over that great kettle of boiling water made Louis clatter like loose nails in his bedpan.

"You mustn't let yourself get all steamed over it again! You're safe now.  Just stay away from Otis," Petunia poured more Dom Perignon over him.  She was too young to understand why he was marinating himself.

"Thank you, my dear.  You are too kind,"  Louis began to focus on the job at hand.

"The matter with Marcel is that he has the expression on his face that one gets from reading too much Nietzsche. Marcel does not love the little lady in his lap at the moment.  Marcel does not love any woman in any moment.  I'm quite certain that he goes about saying things like, 'Art and nothing but art, we have art in order not to die of the truth.' I am convinced from our observations that Marcel is full of Nietzsche. I don't want you to wish me into Marcel and I certainly do not want to exchange places with that fat man," Louis told her.

The fat man looked up when the music stopped, fished in his pockets for more quarters and grabbed another slice of pizza to accompany him to the jukebox.  Again the air was repaired with song.  The fat man wandered over to get a closer look at the work Marcel was doing on his lady's posterior. He was so pleased that he made a bouquet with his fingertips, kissed them and threw the kiss to the heavens. He began to sing along with the jukebox, "There's no tomorrow! There's just tonight!"

"If you wish me into that ridiculous man..." Louis began to concoct a menacing threat.

"We agreed you would choose, but for the sake of argument, why couldn't you move into his shell and simply give up pizza?  You're awfully picky," Petunia could hardly wait to be done with this and move on to wishes two and three.

Louis Le Roux spit more than the usual amount of champagne on the windowpane.

"I don't have the time to tell you all the reasons why that would be a stupid course of action!  Don't be offended again, my dear, but you are an imbecile," Louis held himself in check.

"I still don't see why you couldn't move into him and lose weight," Petunia pushed.

"Move into a fixer-upper when tonight is the night I wish to bid for my love?"  Louis was incensed.

"You have an impossible mind! I don't know why I put up with you!  Can you imagine a man proposing to the love of his life with that little rosebud down there in the background demanding explanations?  We don't have time for all this!  The fat man won't do because he does not have the physical memory of love in his bones.  The atoms of his body are not drenched in the memory of how to love a woman!" Louis ranted.

"You yourself said that you saw love in his eyes!"  Petunia clearly did not know when to quit. 

"Are you trying to drive me mad?  Were you born to argue with me?  Is that what you are good for?  I shall have to bite you if you attempt to turn me against myself like that again! What I said was that there was evidence of love in that man.  I didn't say what kind and how much.  Your fat man loves everything in a diluted way.  I am looking for a residence that has in it's walls the memory of undying, immortal love for one woman, love that defies everything, love...."

"I just remembered that I have something to do.  I'll be right back," Petunia interrupted, jumped down from the window seat and went to the kitchen.

While she was gone, Louis Le Roux spied what he was looking for on the deck behind the 101 Crabs Jazz Club.  It was most certainly a man in love, a man in nothing but love, pacing like a tiger in a cage for the want of the woman.  This was the body he would ask Petunia to wish him into when she returned.

Petunia was busy pouring potions out of the kitchen window into the ocean below. She washed and rinsed the bottles and then carefully replaced the hyperactivity cures with distilled water.  The sea lions made strange groans. Lobsters became loopy. Flabbergasted fish grew cross-eyed, ran into each other. They quit darting about and became very easy for the fishermen to catch.

When Petunia returned to the bay window, Louis Le Roux had his mind set.

"Wish me into that fellow over there in the green trousers!  And wish it exactly so that my shell remains here in this pan and the man shell stays where it is.  It wouldn't do for me to be seen leaving this shop.  I might be accused of breaking and exiting.  Meet me on the sport fishing pier and I'll give you the rest of your wishes.  Watch the whales and think very carefully.  I may be a while getting my affairs in order. Promise me you will wait for me there so I can find you," Sly Louis Le Roux counted on her lack of experience in these matters.

"I will," Petunia agreed. She did not hesitate to wish Louis into Mr green pants. All she could see was the back of his head and how he was removing the band that held his hair back in a neat ponytail. 

Louis never told her what lady he was trying to win and it wouldn't have mattered much if he did. Petunia was not interested in her mother's love life. It never occurred to her that his tattoo of the broken heart with the name, 'Vicky', was a testimonial of his love for Victoria, Countess Victoria Von Van Dee La Fountainbleute, her very own mother.

Petunia's eyes danced to a different melody now. She knew that this would be the very last time she would sit in this bay window watching life go by. Her adventure was about to begin. Such were the thoughts that occupied her mind as she headed for the sport fishing pier.

~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

CH 10: SISYPHUS GOES DOWN FOR THE COUNT

The Magic Crystal Shop was nestled in a triangle where the pier forked.  The lower level opened on both forks of the pier.  The upper level was Dr. OMG's apartment and had a panoramic view of the harbor.  He could look out to sea and watch the seals sleeping on the buoys.  He could watch the tourists come and go on the pier.  From his bedroom he had a view of the cozy little  rectangular marina and all the shops and restaurants that lined it on three sides.

For the first time in all his years of babysitting Petunia Fountainbleute, she was agreeable and eager to go to bed early.  She took her medication without fuss and went straight to bed.

Dr. OMG decided he would deliver a Christmas present to his good friend Bart Gusto who had just purchased a tour boat he named "SISYPHUS II" after the independent book store he'd owned for forty years which recently went under due to the changing times.

Bart had decorated his new boat with every conceivable Christmas decoration.  It stuck out like a sore thumb.

"I can't stay for dinner, " Dr. OMG offered his regrets.  They had planned to spend Christmas eve together.  Bart had prepared quite a party spread and was devastated by the news.

"I prepared hor d'oeuvres de mepris! Enough so we could complain until New Years Day!"  Bart picked up a tray and offered his friend an appetizer.

"I am babysitting without notice again. I thank my lucky stars that she went to sleep without incident for a change," Dr. OMG explained.

"Well, have a drink at least, one drink," Bart was lonesome and trying not to think about how bad business was.

By and by both men lost track of time and were roaring drunk.  Bart opened his present from Dr. OMG.  It was a can of paint.

"What?" Bart was confused. "What kind of present is this?"

"I'll tell you why you have no customers, my friend. No one wants to get into a smelly old boat called 'SYPHILIS'!  You need to change the name," Dr. OMG offered.

"SISYPHUS! Day and night, man! SISYPHUS!" Bart gasped.

"You talk as if you believe we live in a literate society!  Shall we take an opinion poll, ask every passerby what the name of your boat means and see who is right?"

Bart took a deep swig directly from the bottle and flopped into a deck chair.

Dr. OMG took the bottle, held it high in the air and began to talk to it.

"Alas, I know thee well. Thou hast my reason killed and my thoughts made muddy....."

Bart got comfortable and settled in to enjoy the soliloquy.

Twelve year old Mark Twain's and twelve year old Nikola Tesla's jaws dropped as they eavesdropped with their fingers laced in the chain link fence that surrounded the boats bobbing in the marina.

Without missing a beat, Dr. OMG spun on his heels holding up the can of paint where the whiskey bottle had been.

"How would you boys like to make a few bucks?"

~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

CH 8: DON'T TALK TO THAT CRAB!

Dr. OMG had noticed the Russians were following him and Petunia everywhere they went.  They peered around pillars, elbowed and shoved each other up and down the pier.  Each one wanted the other to confirm the dinner invitation. Dr. OMG did not notice that 12 year old versions of Twain and Tesla were also tailing him.

Dr. OMG and Petunia decided to dine at a family style seafood restaurant next to the arcade.  He ordered corn on the cob, steamed crabs with four wooden mallets and formally invited the Russian boys to join them for dinner.  After a very noisy, lively meal, the boys thanked Dr. OMG profusely and ventured off to find a surface they may have missed plastering a Red Madonna poster upon.

Dr. OMG and Petunia strolled into the arcade to while away the evening.  Petunia put a quarter into the mechanical fortune teller, "Estrella".

"I wish I was BIG!" she drew a big breath and wished with all her might.

Out popped the same card she always got and it made her as angry as ever.

"It says I talk too much!  It says I have to develop other qualities to make up for my TALKATIVENESS! It says I have a bad temper and am often fooled by flattery!  It says I will be asked to take an exciting trip but I must say no!  It says, 'Don't go!'  It says I must not talk to the redheaded man!  It says I'm messy and tend to EXAGGERATE things! I have a BILLION of this very same card at home!" Petunia stormed off to the change counter and demanded her quarter back.

"That gypsy gypped me again!  It only has ONE fortune in it!  No matter how many times you try, you always get the same fortune!  It's not fair!"  Petunia complained.

The clerk grabbed a roll of quarters and one by one put them into "Estrella".  Each time a different fortune came out.

"Sorry kid, I can't give you your quarter back," the clerk went back to the counter muttering something about rich kids.

Petunia was so angry that she kicked Estrella and threw her fortune card on the ground.

"Now, now," said Dr. OMG. "You are a very intelligent little girl, Petunia."

"I'm not so little," Petunia softened dramatically with the flattery.  She quit her tantrum and took a deep breath.

"You can prove Estrella is mistaken by controlling your temper and cleaning up after yourself.  That would certainly prove it to me," Dr. OMG suggested, hoping that behavior modification therapy might work were potions had failed.

Petunia bent down to pick up her fortune card.  She heard something.

"Pssst!" Louis Le Roux the Fifth got her attention. He was under Estrella clicking his claw like a castanet.

"Hey!" Petunia dropped down on her belly to get a better look.

"Hay is for horses.  Do I look like a horseshoe crab to you?" Louie quipped.

"Say that again!"  Petunia demanded with delight.

"I will not!  How would you like it if I made you repeat yourself?" Louie droned as if he was bored to death.

"I like you. I like you a lot!"  Petunia was very happy to meet Louis the talking crab.  She wondered if technically he was a redhead and decided he was not.

"You have very good taste, I must say," Louis informed her.

"Thank you!" Petunia rested her chin on her hands and kicked her feet to and fro for joy.

"PETUNIA! You are ruining your party dress! Get up off of that filthy floor! What are you doing down there anyway?!" Dr. OMG felt something shift inside him.  He spied the crab claw with the broken heart tattoo that read, 'Vicky' and was very unsettled.

"DON'T TALK TO THAT CRAB! HE'S A FAMILIAR!" Dr. OMG said in a guttural voice that didn't feel like his own.  He did not know how he knew what he was saying.

"No he isn't!  I've never seen him before! I would remember! He's so cute!" Petunia declared.

"Not as cute as you,"  Louis purred.  Petunia was as happy as a kitten in catnip.

"Not that kind of  'familiar'," Dr. OMG took her arm and made her get up while he continued his lecture.

"A familiar is an animal that works for a witch.  They run wicked errands for the forces of evil.  You mustn't consort with them, do you hear?"  he scolded.

"Yes, Dr. OMG, I'm listening," Petunia dropped her bag, winked at Louis and pretended to be listening to Dr. OMG's speech.  Louis knew what to do and did it. He crawled into his next victim's bag.

~ To Be Continued ~

CH 7: RED MADONNA, SHE'S NOT ESCAPE FROM PUSSY RIOT I CAN ASSURE YOU

"Excuse to me, old man, I'm not speaking English but if I can plaster my sister to your vindow?  I can assure you she is not escape-ed from Pussy Riot.  She is from lesser unknown Red Madonnas band currently seeking asylum in your country after first gig tonight," a polite young Russian man asked Dr. OMG for permission to post the announcement that his sister was preforming at 101 Crabs Jazz Club.

"Proceed,"  Dr. OMG replied as he locked up shop.  He was taking Petunia Fountainebleute to the arcade to avoid hefty property damage to his shop.

"Is that is like 'yes' or 'leave out of here'," the young man's younger cousin fretted.

"That is like yes. I'm not going to be Scrooge on Christmas Eve," Dr. OMG noticed that every available flat surface of the pier was plastered with the posters expounding the musical merits of RED MADONNA AND THE RED MADONNAS.

Petunia tugged on the jacket of the youngest man and translated for him.

"He said, 'Bah Humbug! Do what you want! Whatever!'" she whispered.

"What did she say? Are we allowed to do this?" Red Madonna's brother asked his little cousin.

"She said they are going to eat humburger.  I think she says we can come too, so hurry up, will you?"

"You are always eating.  I think you have an international leak or worms being taped in you,"  The older boy plastered a poster on the shop window.

"Who is going to tape worms?  Is anything make less noise than a worm?" the younger lad asked.

"This is land of opportunity.  They tape everything. All worm in USA is tape worm. Tonight they tape my sister and then it is all over for us," he pat his little cousin on the back, "Let us go get bah humburger! You're a pickle, eat your lettuce! It's an order! Do not upset us!" he began to sing what he could recall of the jingle.

"Whatever!" the younger one agreed whole heartedly.

~To Be Continued~

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE: CRAB LOUIS LE ROUX THE FIFTH

WANTED

 

DEAD OR ALIVE

 

 

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE

 

THIS CRUSTACEAN

 

ON YOUR OWN

 

CRAB LOUIS LE ROUX V

 

IS SHARP AND DANGEROUS!

 

 



CRAB LOUIE V! THE LOST LOUIE V MANUSCRIPT!

The end of this tale is right here in one of these stacks.....

It's around here somewhere....

I'll find it....

Ah, here it is....

CRAB LOUIE V: CHAPTER V: MARK TWAIN IS BALD

It was snowing in New York that winter of 1894. Nikola Tesla was absorbed in the task of calibrating the equipment. Mark Twain had agreed to be his guinea pig and was not nearly as nervous as he should have been.  In the spring Nikola would do a good job appearing to mourn the loss of all the results of his work in the 5th Avenue laboratory fire of March 1895.  The truth was that the data had been moved to a more secure location because they had stumbled upon something that mankind was simply not ready for.

    Mark listened intently but not to what Nikola was warning him about.  Mark had his ears tuned to the icy streets outside.  His face lit up when he heard the carriage coming to a halt.  He limped quickly towards the door, disturbing some equipment in the process and nearly falling to the floor.

    "Are you determined to break the other leg," Tesla cried out.

    "Get the door!  Get the door!  He won't deliver the package unless someone signs for it!" Mark fretted and struggled to regain his upright position but the leg pain was too much.

    Tesla signed for the package, gave the delivery boy a tip and wished him a Merry Christmas.  After he closed the door he continued to scold Mark.

    "No one is to know you are here.  I just signed for a package with your name on it. What is all this?" Tesla protested.

    "He didn't see me! Bring it here," Mark was cheerful. In spite of the leg pain he opened the box and prepared a festive spread from the contents. Oysters on ice. Crab. Lobster. Good liquor. The finest cigars and pipe tobacco.

    "What, no dancing girls?"  Tesla shook his head, amazed at his hedonistic friend's delight in such things when his life was on the line.

     "I'm sure they are in one of these tins. Add water. Presto! Angels on the half-shell!" Mark laughed.

     "Don't you think you are celebrating prematurely? This could be very dangerous, you know."  Tesla cautioned.

    "All the more reason, my dear friend, all the more reason to celebrate before said catastrophe.  If you are going to roast me alive, I had better partake now as I will be in no condition to enjoy then. Besides, I broke my leg before I could finish my lunch and I'm sure being properly nourished will only help with the cure," Mark reasoned.

    After the party, Tesla helped the inebriated Twain up onto the platform. He took what would have been known historically as the first successful x-ray and helped Twain to a nearby chair in a small chamber. Twain rested while Tesla developed the film.

   "Oh it's not just broken!  It's broken clean in two! Look at this!" Tesla showed Mark the x-ray of his body. They both admired the film and sighed deeply.

    "I'm so sorry you will never be able to show this to anyone," Mark was guilty and he knew it.

    "It is your fault. Someone else will eventually discover how to do this.  I've placed anonymous hints. We have to keep a low profile. It can't be me," Tesla replied wistfully but with a warm smile for his good friend.

    "Before you flip that switch, tell me again.  I am at home with Livy and the girls celebrating Christmas?" Mark wanted to be clear about it.

    "Yes. We sent the version of you from one day before you broke your leg doing things you promised Livy you would never do again, namely letting me experiment on you. We did this to save your Christmas and your marriage. And now we have to save the world to boot! Who knew a simple lunch could blossom into such a mess! We are both insane. I have in my hands a major breakthrough in science and medicine which I cannot share with anyone because it incriminates you and will end your marriage. Not that any of this matters since we found out the world is ending unless we can find a way to fix that confounding mess," Tesla sighed.

"Yes, I can't imagine explaining to Livy that I broke my leg in the future," Twain agreed.

"Well, you are currently unwrapping presents with your family as if none of this is happening,"  Tesla sighed and then threw the x-ray on a desk.

    "Does the me at home with Livy have any common sense?"  Twain asked.

    "I don't see how. I can't create content," Tesla answered.

    "I'm ready if you are," Twain announced.

    "Let's mend that leg then,"  Tesla flipped the switch.  

    Mark Twain's curly hair stood on end as he was enveloped by blue light.  Filled with adrenaline he jumped out of the chamber before Tesla told him to.

    "Eureka! Livy will never know! Integrate myselves! I don't want to be two people anymore!"  Twain danced around on a leg that was obviously no longer broken.

    "Don't get too happy," Tesla said with his head turned sideways, frowning.

    "What? What is it?"  Mark demanded.

    "After I integrate you there is a good chance you will be completely bald, Mark,"  Tesla turned away to hide that he was holding back a smile.  "I knew we should have done more research, but you were in pain and we rushed things we should not have rushed."

    "Why would I be completely bald, Nik," Mark pursed his lips.

    "Because you are now," Tesla pointed over his shoulder without looking back.  Twain turned and looked at the chair in the chamber.  It was covered with his curly locks.

~To Be Continued~

   

DRAMATIS PERSONAE of OH HENRY! THE LAMENTABLE LIFE AND TIMES OF CRAB LOUIS LE ROUX V

DAME J. E. MARSHALL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS

OH HENRY! 

THE LAMENTABLE LIFE AND TIMES

 OF

CRAB LOUIS LE ROUX THE FIFTH

Dramatis Personae

Mayor George Miller, running for governor of California

Mrs. Miller, George's wife

Julia Miller, Mayor's daughter

Countess Victoria Von Van Dee La Fountainebleute`

Verge Fountainebleute`, Vicky's son, Julia's suitor

Petunia Fountainebleute`, Vicky's hyperactive daughter

Louis Le Roux V, Fountainebleute`'s evil familiar

Henry Merci, wharf waif, Jack-of-all-trades

Bart Gusto, fishing/tour boat owner, Henry's friend

Otis, deaf chef, Henry's friend

Reverend Dr. John Lawrence OMG, Magic Crystal Ship Shop Owner

Marcel, tattooist

Ivanna, owner of "Ivanna Cut Your Hair" salon

Estrella, mechanical gypsy at pier arcade

Red Madonna And The Red Madonnas, Russian Rock Band

12 Year Old Mark Twain

12 Year Old Nikola Tesla