CH 9: HENRY MERCI THROWS HIS VOICE | OH HENRY! CRAB LOUIE V

Mayor George Miller gave Henry Merci one more chance and Henry was in the process of blowing it big time.

Ordinarily Henry was a people pleaser but something snapped when he turned around and saw the couple to whom Mayor Miller told him to give the royal treatment. Henry's heart sank. Julia Miller was standing next to Verge Fountainbleute while he pinned a festive corsage to her sweater.

"This is my daughter! Don't mess this up!" Mayor Miller grabbed the front of Henry's shirt, pulled him closer and growled in his ear. "Do you hear me?"

Henry nodded yes.  Mayor Miller released him and shoved him towards the gondola. 

Henry couldn't help himself.  He wanted to be a good gondolier, but how could he, under these circumstances? How could he just stand there and watch the debonair Verge Fountainbleute sweet talk the love of his life?

With a heavy heart, Henry steered the gondola out into the harbor.  

Before Henry Merci's parents had so mysteriously vanished, they ran a booth near the arcade where they put on puppet shows on weekends, holidays and special occasions like birthday and anniversary parties.  Over the years Henry had become an accomplished ventriloquist as well as an excellent mime, just like his parents.  Without premeditation he called upon these strong skills in this the hour of his despair.

Verge was suave.  He was nonchalant.  His mother told him to woo Julia and he never considered the possibility of disappointing her.

"Julia, you look..." Verge planned to say 'amazing' but, "...like a scrawny stalk of slimy, rotten asparagus..." seemed to come out of his mouth.

Henry threw the awful words and made them seem to come out of Verge's mouth.

When Julia looked back at Henry, she was even more shocked because he mimed with great haste that his heart was bursting with love for her.  When Verge saw Julia's eyes bug out, he turned to see what Henry was doing but saw Henry was suddenly as expressionless as a guard at Buckingham Palace.

"Verge..." Julia started to speak.  Once again, Henry threw his voice, imitating her voice so perfectly that it was frightening.

"I think we should return to shore as soon as possible so I may see about becoming pregnant by the gondolier," Julia seemed to be saying.

It was by far the worst date Verge had ever been on and in spite of his mother's aspirations,  he did not want to see Julia Miller ever again.

~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

RIPPED FROM THE PAGES OF WILLIAM SHAKEPEARE'S ROMEO AND JULIET, HERE COMES TROUBLE, TROUBLE, TROUBLE

These boys would make a good chorus for the Shakespearean version of CRAB LOUIE V

https://vine.co/v/htqYXLwvJ7V

Ripped from the pages

of

Master

 William Shakespeare's

ROMEO AND JULIET

With Darkness Borrowed

From

MACBETH

And Determination

Heisted From

HENRY V

With Tips Taken From

TITUS ANDRONICUS

THIS VALENTINE'S DAY

DAME JE MARSHALL PRODUCTIONS

PRESENTS

CRAB LOUIE V

The Valentine Guaranteed To Leave A Scar

CHAPTER 6: OH HENRY! OH HENRY! FOLLOW THAT CRAB!

Henry Merci was hot on the trail of the vicious crab that had practically torn the thumbs off his good friend Chef Otis.  As best he could with his bleeding hands wrapped in towels, Otis motioned towards the gondola that Henry had just left the elderly couple waiting in when he heard the awful clamoring in the kitchen.

Henry was mortified to see that his gondola was violently rocking.  It was as if there had been a terrible earthquake, only his was the only boat in the harbor that was pitching to and fro.

Henry ran as fast as he could and then held the ramp rails to slide down faster than he could run.  He stopped short and almost crashed into the disheveled elderly couple trying to work their way up the ramp.

"Did you see an awful crab with a broken heart tattoo that says, 'Vicky'?" Henry called after them and rested his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

"Yes we did and we are not coming back until you can prove it's gone.  I don't mind telling you I don't approve of the language it used in front of my wife!" The elderly man patted and adjusted his Greek fisherman's cap and was thankful that it had not been lost in the fray.  He recommended to his wife that she also check herself to be sure nothing important was missing.

"We will be waiting in the cocktail lounge trying to recapture the mood until you inform us that that vile creature has been incarcerated.  I got a good look at him and will make myself available to testify in a line up if it comes to that," The elderly man took his wife's arm and they cautiously wobbled up the ramp and left the scene.

Henry went to inspect the gondola.  He was on his belly with his head under the bench when what the old man said finally sank in.  The old man had indicated that the crab had used language, foul language at that.  The very idea made Henry's head rear up abruptly and smack hard against the bench he was under.  It never works out well when large ideas come in tight quarters.  Henry decided to rest there for a moment and think everything over from the beginning, calmly and rationally.  The water slapping the boat about softly now was almost as comforting as he remembered being rocked in his parent's arms had been.  How he missed them, especially with Christmas drawing near.

All of a sudden Henry thought he heard the voice of an angel.

"Oh, Henry! Oh, Henry!  Why are you called 'Merci'? If you were truly of mercy made, would I be so starved for a kiss? Take a rich man's name so my dad will let us date or live up to your name and show me mercy tonight!" The beautiful Julia Miller whispered into the sea mist that was rolling into the harbor. She leaned on the deck railing and searched the heavens for a break in the clouds where she might find a star to wish upon.

Henry scrambled to his feet faster than a firecracker.

"Here I am!  O God, Julia! I'm right here!  I'll do anything you want, anything you need, anything! I'm right here! Oh! Julia!" Henry threw his arms up in the air with such enthusiasm that they almost flew out of their sockets. He managed to stay in one piece but fell out of the gondola and splashed into the black water of the harbor.

At the very moment, Mrs. Miller opened the sliding glass door and flooded the deck with sounds from the live band and the happy party guests.

"You're not wearing your sweater!  You'll catch your death!"  Mrs. Miller pulled her daughter inside.

Also at the same moment, Mayor George Miller rattled the ramp as he stomped down towards the gondola with the offspring of some of his wealthiest constituents and demanded that Henry produce himself to explain why the romantic gondola rides were so backed up.

~ To Be Continued ~

CRAB LOUIE V! THE LOST LOUIE V MANUSCRIPT!

The end of this tale is right here in one of these stacks.....

It's around here somewhere....

I'll find it....

Ah, here it is....

THE BITTER SWEET LOVE STORY OF THE CENTURY!

Get snowed by a crab! 

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment!

CH 4: MARK TWAIN AND NIKOLA TESLA SEARCH FOR MERLIN AND THE EVIL WOMAN

The countess decided to collect a favor and leave little Petunia with the owner of the Magic Crystal Shop.  There was plenty there to keep the child amused and it was nearby the Jazz Club where the gala event was being held.

     The Magic Crystal Shop was a unique place owned by the Reverend Dr. John Lawrence OMG.  He realized the countess was growing increasingly upset with him because all the potions he had created to cure Petunia's hyperactivity had failed to work. One day he sighed and whispered to himself, "Oh my god!" when he spotted her stomping down the pier towards his shop.

     "I heard that!" The countess had a good ear.  From then on she called him Dr. OMG.

     The countess was owed favors by many.  She had helped Dr. OMG set up shop so long ago that he had forgotten his real name.  He was outside the shop teetering on a step ladder,  hammering a new little sign above the shop door. This sign read, "Notary". Another read, "Justice Of The Peace" and yet another read, "Apothecary."

    "I need you to watch her tonight," The countess announced.

    "I have customers," he offered weakly, knowing the countess could care less.

    "Well, then, get rid of them," the countess grew even more impatient.

     He scrambled down the ladder, pushing back criminal thoughts about what damage he could do with the hammer in his hand.

     Inside, two little boys were loading the counter with treasures they had found in the shop.

"It's him, Nikola, I'm sure it's him, only he is not himself. She did something to him. He's zombiefied," twelve year old Mark Twain elbowed twelve year old Nikola Tesla and started digging in his pockets for his notes and the words they were supposed to make the evil woman read aloud when they found her.

"If it is him, when she reads the incantation, it will break the spell," Nikola reminded Twain. 

   
It had taken some calculations but it was well worth the bother.  They had become such good friends as adults that they decided it would have been nice to have known each other as children and to dissolve the 21 year difference in their ages. Plus, it was the perfect disguise. No one would recognize them as children.

First Nikola went back in time and collected Mark when he was 12.  Then he went back to collect himself at that very same age. They were given notes from their older selves so they could remember what they were supposed to do on the mission. Their older selves also provided them plenty of coins and simple items from the 1840's that would be easy to sell at coin shops at whatever place in the future they visited. What twelve year old boy would not love to be visited by his older self and asked to go on a time traveling mission with his best friend to find the missing wizard Merlin?

   
"The shop is closing now, you must go," Rev Dr. OMG announced nervously.

    
"But we haven't paid for our things," Nikola protested. He hadn't been able to check Dr. OMG with the meter that would reveal if his DNA matched the DNA their older selves had collected in Merlin's cave before they were born.

Rev Dr. OMG simply scooped up the treasures the boys had gathered, the real shark's teeth, the fart cushion and various items boys generally purchased and placed them in a paper bag without calculating the cost.  He only hesitated briefly when he came upon the box of fine cigars but placed them in the bag as well because he just didn't have the energy to think about it.  He pushed the bag towards the boys.

"But we didn't pay,"  young Mark Twain could not believe he was saying these words. Nikola giggled because it sounded funny to him too.

"It's alright. Now off with you. Use the other door.  My tools are blocking this entrance,"  Rev Dr. OMG's shop had doors that opened on each side where the pier split and went different directions.  The real reason he directed them to the other exit was to spare them running into the unpleasant countess.  This was unfortunate because the boys had actually time traveled to this particular time in search of this evil woman.  They didn't know what name she might be using.  All they had was a sketch of her and surely she had changed her appearance over the centuries.

"Thanks mister," The boys chimed and reluctantly left the shop. 

"We'll follow him and try again. In the meantime we'll have a cigar," Twain said, rummaging in the bag for the cigar box as they walked off in the opposite direction of the very lady they were looking for, the lady in the sketch their older selves had given them to help them recognize her.

Rev Dr. OMG locked the door behind the boys and went to the other door to let Petunia enter.

The countess left Petunia with Dr. OMG without thanks and without indicating when she might be back to collect her.  She sent her son Verge off to the florist for a fresh corsage to present to the lovely Julia.  On her way to make arrangements for a romantic gondola ride for Julia and Verge, she darted into yet another shop she had helped the owner open.  This establishment was called "Ivanna Cut Your Hair".  When the countess darkened the doorway to the hair salon, a hush fell.  Ivanna herself left a customer she was attending so she could please the countess.

     "Am I still beautiful?"  The countess asked.  It was a trick question and Ivanna knew it.  She had just done her hair less than an hour ago.

     "You look stunning, but come here and let me give you a another hand treatment with our new serum from Paris, an extra hand massage for that extra added glow of relaxation,"  Ivanna stammered.  Talking to the countess was like navigating a minefield.  The hardest part was trying to keep her face from contorting while she tried to look as if she actually liked the countess.

     "I don't have time for that now!"  The countess turned and left without saying goodbye.

     When everyone was sure she was really gone, they all made faces, stuck out their tongues and made other impolite gestures to let off steam.

~ to be continued ~

CH 3: DID HE BITE YOUR THUMBS, OTIS?

Everyone liked him. Henry Merci was a Jack-of-all-trades.  He was a gondolier, a puppeteer, mime, messenger, water taxi pilot, a ventriloquist and a fisherman.  He was a wharf waif.  His parents had worked the rides at the pier arcade until one day they went to the public library to look up something and they were never seen again.
 
Henry was always there for anyone in need, eager to return the kindness so many had shown him after the abrupt and mysterious loss of his parents.
 
There was a commotion in the kitchen of 101 CRABS JAZZ CLUB.  Henry excused himself from the elderly couple in the gondola he had just moored and rushed to see what was the matter. Henry knew sign language and it appeared his deaf friend Otis was in some sort of trouble.
 
There was quite a lot of clattering and several serious sounding thuds. When Henry opened the back screen door of the kitchen, a peculiar looking crab with blood on its tattooed paw blasted between Henry's feet and right out the door like a hockey puck.
 
Otis had trouble telling the score in sign language because he was wrapping a dish towel tightly around his bloody thumbs.
 
"Did he bite your thumbs, Otis?!  Did he bite your thumbs?!"  Henry was outraged.  Otis nodded.  Without hesitation Henry was after the creature who had injured and insulted his friend.

~ To Be Continued ~ 

CRAB LOUIE V: CH 1: ONCE UPON A TIME

The Lamentable Life & Times

of

Crab Louis Le Roux The Fifth

or

OH HENRY!

"Innocence is like a dumb leper who has lost his bell, wandering the world, meaning no harm."

-Graham Green

Once upon a time there was a candidate for governor who owned many businesses on a pier in California where tourists often came to watch the sparkling Pacific Ocean while they dined.

One Christmas Eve he hosted a gala event, a fund raising party at his best restaurant, 101 CRABS, A JAZZ CLUB AND FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT.

Mayor George Miller never did get elected governor.  Voter turn out was so low that no one got elected.

This  is the story of how California came to be such a laid back state and how love, sweet love, can turn anyone in to a raving maniac.  For, as the saying goes, the more one loves, the stronger the absurd grows.

 

~ To Be Continued ~

FROM DAME JE MARSHALL PRODUCTIONS, THE STORY OF A BAD CRAB

"I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch..." the little girl sang like Doris Day as they sat on the windowsill and watched the people stroll on the pier below.

"Mercy! What nonsense! Now you are being silly! When have you ever been alone or experienced loneliness?  Marinate me at once!  I have had a shock! More wine!"  Louie Le Roux motioned with his claw for Petunia to pour more champagne into the bedpan.  She complied.  He sighed with relief and spit a little on the windowpane, as is a crab's habit.