CHAPTER 13: TESLA AND TWAIN DO LUNCH IN 2035

It had started as an innocent Christmas gift. Nikola Tesla and Mark Twain used the time machine to travel to the year 2035 to enjoy a break from the whipping wind, sleet, snow and prying eyes.

They were enjoying a meal at an outdoor cafe overlooking a sleepy harbor in California.

"This was a wonderful idea!  I admit I was worried at first. Worried what we might find.  But this is nice," Tesla confessed to Twain.

"It's a comfort to know mankind made such strides. There are no wars. Everyone uses solar power. The entire world is clean, healthy and happy!  Imagine that! I never would have believed it! Thank you my friend. This was a marvelous!  Of course, it presents one problem. How do I explain my new found optimism when we return to our time?" Mark Twain laughed.

"By Jove!" Tesla exclaimed.

"What is it?" Twain asked.

"That boat! A dog just materialized on deck out of thin air!" Tesla started and before he finished, a second dog, then a third dog landed on the deck.

Suddenly it was raining dogs, palm trees, cars, buses, and buildings.

"Look out Sam!" Tesla cried, but it was too late. A lady and her husband fell out of the sky and landed right on Mark Twain and his leg snapped.

Mark Twain and Nikola Tesla transported back to 1894 to sort out what they had witnessed.

"According to my calculations, at the rate all these people, plants, animals and objects are slamming into the earth, the earth will be knocked out of orbit, freeze solid and then hurl into the unknown in a matter of hours," Tesla informed Mark without looking up from his papers.

"What does this mean?" Mark asked.

"It means we have travel back in time to Merlin's cave," Tesla started.

"How can we find it?"  Twain tried to stand but moaned and sat down fast because his broken leg was killing him.

"First we have to fix your leg," Tesla started flipping through his journals.

Under the duress of the moment, Tesla hardly had time to enjoy having taken the first x-ray and launching the world's first bone and soft tissue mender on the same afternoon.  

Tesla re-calibrated the time machine to match matter instead of time.

"We are going to travel to where this book came from," Tesla held Merlin's book of magic, the very same book he had used to build the time machine.

Twain and Tesla materialized in the mysterious crystal cave where Merlin was said to have become a hermit.

"He isn't here!" Mark Twain was alarmed. "Now what?"

Tesla ripped a page out of one of Merlin's journals.

"He's probably with this woman.  She was stealing from him," Tesla showed Twain the sketch of a woman Merlin had drawn. "In fact, from the way this place looks, she may have kidnapped Merlin!"

"We're not going to be able to find her with that sketch!" Twain exclaimed.

"Then we'll have to calibrate the machine to take us to the rest of this!" Tesla held up a two foot long gleaming silver stand of Merlin's hair.

~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

CRAB LOUIE V! THE LOST LOUIE V MANUSCRIPT!

The end of this tale is right here in one of these stacks.....

It's around here somewhere....

I'll find it....

Ah, here it is....

CRAB LOUIE V: CHAPTER V: MARK TWAIN IS BALD

It was snowing in New York that winter of 1894. Nikola Tesla was absorbed in the task of calibrating the equipment. Mark Twain had agreed to be his guinea pig and was not nearly as nervous as he should have been.  In the spring Nikola would do a good job appearing to mourn the loss of all the results of his work in the 5th Avenue laboratory fire of March 1895.  The truth was that the data had been moved to a more secure location because they had stumbled upon something that mankind was simply not ready for.

    Mark listened intently but not to what Nikola was warning him about.  Mark had his ears tuned to the icy streets outside.  His face lit up when he heard the carriage coming to a halt.  He limped quickly towards the door, disturbing some equipment in the process and nearly falling to the floor.

    "Are you determined to break the other leg," Tesla cried out.

    "Get the door!  Get the door!  He won't deliver the package unless someone signs for it!" Mark fretted and struggled to regain his upright position but the leg pain was too much.

    Tesla signed for the package, gave the delivery boy a tip and wished him a Merry Christmas.  After he closed the door he continued to scold Mark.

    "No one is to know you are here.  I just signed for a package with your name on it. What is all this?" Tesla protested.

    "He didn't see me! Bring it here," Mark was cheerful. In spite of the leg pain he opened the box and prepared a festive spread from the contents. Oysters on ice. Crab. Lobster. Good liquor. The finest cigars and pipe tobacco.

    "What, no dancing girls?"  Tesla shook his head, amazed at his hedonistic friend's delight in such things when his life was on the line.

     "I'm sure they are in one of these tins. Add water. Presto! Angels on the half-shell!" Mark laughed.

     "Don't you think you are celebrating prematurely? This could be very dangerous, you know."  Tesla cautioned.

    "All the more reason, my dear friend, all the more reason to celebrate before said catastrophe.  If you are going to roast me alive, I had better partake now as I will be in no condition to enjoy then. Besides, I broke my leg before I could finish my lunch and I'm sure being properly nourished will only help with the cure," Mark reasoned.

    After the party, Tesla helped the inebriated Twain up onto the platform. He took what would have been known historically as the first successful x-ray and helped Twain to a nearby chair in a small chamber. Twain rested while Tesla developed the film.

   "Oh it's not just broken!  It's broken clean in two! Look at this!" Tesla showed Mark the x-ray of his body. They both admired the film and sighed deeply.

    "I'm so sorry you will never be able to show this to anyone," Mark was guilty and he knew it.

    "It is your fault. Someone else will eventually discover how to do this.  I've placed anonymous hints. We have to keep a low profile. It can't be me," Tesla replied wistfully but with a warm smile for his good friend.

    "Before you flip that switch, tell me again.  I am at home with Livy and the girls celebrating Christmas?" Mark wanted to be clear about it.

    "Yes. We sent the version of you from one day before you broke your leg doing things you promised Livy you would never do again, namely letting me experiment on you. We did this to save your Christmas and your marriage. And now we have to save the world to boot! Who knew a simple lunch could blossom into such a mess! We are both insane. I have in my hands a major breakthrough in science and medicine which I cannot share with anyone because it incriminates you and will end your marriage. Not that any of this matters since we found out the world is ending unless we can find a way to fix that confounding mess," Tesla sighed.

"Yes, I can't imagine explaining to Livy that I broke my leg in the future," Twain agreed.

"Well, you are currently unwrapping presents with your family as if none of this is happening,"  Tesla sighed and then threw the x-ray on a desk.

    "Does the me at home with Livy have any common sense?"  Twain asked.

    "I don't see how. I can't create content," Tesla answered.

    "I'm ready if you are," Twain announced.

    "Let's mend that leg then,"  Tesla flipped the switch.  

    Mark Twain's curly hair stood on end as he was enveloped by blue light.  Filled with adrenaline he jumped out of the chamber before Tesla told him to.

    "Eureka! Livy will never know! Integrate myselves! I don't want to be two people anymore!"  Twain danced around on a leg that was obviously no longer broken.

    "Don't get too happy," Tesla said with his head turned sideways, frowning.

    "What? What is it?"  Mark demanded.

    "After I integrate you there is a good chance you will be completely bald, Mark,"  Tesla turned away to hide that he was holding back a smile.  "I knew we should have done more research, but you were in pain and we rushed things we should not have rushed."

    "Why would I be completely bald, Nik," Mark pursed his lips.

    "Because you are now," Tesla pointed over his shoulder without looking back.  Twain turned and looked at the chair in the chamber.  It was covered with his curly locks.

~To Be Continued~

   

THE BITTER SWEET LOVE STORY OF THE CENTURY!

Get snowed by a crab! 

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment!

CH 4: MARK TWAIN AND NIKOLA TESLA SEARCH FOR MERLIN AND THE EVIL WOMAN

The countess decided to collect a favor and leave little Petunia with the owner of the Magic Crystal Shop.  There was plenty there to keep the child amused and it was nearby the Jazz Club where the gala event was being held.

     The Magic Crystal Shop was a unique place owned by the Reverend Dr. John Lawrence OMG.  He realized the countess was growing increasingly upset with him because all the potions he had created to cure Petunia's hyperactivity had failed to work. One day he sighed and whispered to himself, "Oh my god!" when he spotted her stomping down the pier towards his shop.

     "I heard that!" The countess had a good ear.  From then on she called him Dr. OMG.

     The countess was owed favors by many.  She had helped Dr. OMG set up shop so long ago that he had forgotten his real name.  He was outside the shop teetering on a step ladder,  hammering a new little sign above the shop door. This sign read, "Notary". Another read, "Justice Of The Peace" and yet another read, "Apothecary."

    "I need you to watch her tonight," The countess announced.

    "I have customers," he offered weakly, knowing the countess could care less.

    "Well, then, get rid of them," the countess grew even more impatient.

     He scrambled down the ladder, pushing back criminal thoughts about what damage he could do with the hammer in his hand.

     Inside, two little boys were loading the counter with treasures they had found in the shop.

"It's him, Nikola, I'm sure it's him, only he is not himself. She did something to him. He's zombiefied," twelve year old Mark Twain elbowed twelve year old Nikola Tesla and started digging in his pockets for his notes and the words they were supposed to make the evil woman read aloud when they found her.

"If it is him, when she reads the incantation, it will break the spell," Nikola reminded Twain. 

   
It had taken some calculations but it was well worth the bother.  They had become such good friends as adults that they decided it would have been nice to have known each other as children and to dissolve the 21 year difference in their ages. Plus, it was the perfect disguise. No one would recognize them as children.

First Nikola went back in time and collected Mark when he was 12.  Then he went back to collect himself at that very same age. They were given notes from their older selves so they could remember what they were supposed to do on the mission. Their older selves also provided them plenty of coins and simple items from the 1840's that would be easy to sell at coin shops at whatever place in the future they visited. What twelve year old boy would not love to be visited by his older self and asked to go on a time traveling mission with his best friend to find the missing wizard Merlin?

   
"The shop is closing now, you must go," Rev Dr. OMG announced nervously.

    
"But we haven't paid for our things," Nikola protested. He hadn't been able to check Dr. OMG with the meter that would reveal if his DNA matched the DNA their older selves had collected in Merlin's cave before they were born.

Rev Dr. OMG simply scooped up the treasures the boys had gathered, the real shark's teeth, the fart cushion and various items boys generally purchased and placed them in a paper bag without calculating the cost.  He only hesitated briefly when he came upon the box of fine cigars but placed them in the bag as well because he just didn't have the energy to think about it.  He pushed the bag towards the boys.

"But we didn't pay,"  young Mark Twain could not believe he was saying these words. Nikola giggled because it sounded funny to him too.

"It's alright. Now off with you. Use the other door.  My tools are blocking this entrance,"  Rev Dr. OMG's shop had doors that opened on each side where the pier split and went different directions.  The real reason he directed them to the other exit was to spare them running into the unpleasant countess.  This was unfortunate because the boys had actually time traveled to this particular time in search of this evil woman.  They didn't know what name she might be using.  All they had was a sketch of her and surely she had changed her appearance over the centuries.

"Thanks mister," The boys chimed and reluctantly left the shop. 

"We'll follow him and try again. In the meantime we'll have a cigar," Twain said, rummaging in the bag for the cigar box as they walked off in the opposite direction of the very lady they were looking for, the lady in the sketch their older selves had given them to help them recognize her.

Rev Dr. OMG locked the door behind the boys and went to the other door to let Petunia enter.

The countess left Petunia with Dr. OMG without thanks and without indicating when she might be back to collect her.  She sent her son Verge off to the florist for a fresh corsage to present to the lovely Julia.  On her way to make arrangements for a romantic gondola ride for Julia and Verge, she darted into yet another shop she had helped the owner open.  This establishment was called "Ivanna Cut Your Hair".  When the countess darkened the doorway to the hair salon, a hush fell.  Ivanna herself left a customer she was attending so she could please the countess.

     "Am I still beautiful?"  The countess asked.  It was a trick question and Ivanna knew it.  She had just done her hair less than an hour ago.

     "You look stunning, but come here and let me give you a another hand treatment with our new serum from Paris, an extra hand massage for that extra added glow of relaxation,"  Ivanna stammered.  Talking to the countess was like navigating a minefield.  The hardest part was trying to keep her face from contorting while she tried to look as if she actually liked the countess.

     "I don't have time for that now!"  The countess turned and left without saying goodbye.

     When everyone was sure she was really gone, they all made faces, stuck out their tongues and made other impolite gestures to let off steam.

~ to be continued ~

CRAB LOUIE V: CH 2: COUNTESS VICTORIA FOUNTAINEBLEUTE`

Everyone was excited about Mayor Miller's gala fundraising event, especially the Countess Victoria Von Van Dee La Fountainebleute` of Manhattan Beach.  There was to be a spectacular red, white and blue carpet. The arrivals were to be televised by all the major networks and tweeted to kingdom come in the great wide twitterverse.  There would be countless opportunities to be photographed during the dinner and afterwards at the ball.

The Countess was determined to use this fabulous party to spark a romance between her son Verge and Julia, the Mayor's beautiful daughter. 

At the very last moment the Countess had second thoughts about letting her own daughter attend the ball. Petunia was the sort of child that had to "grow on you".  Even then, she was the type of growth most people wanted removed.  Her hyperactive personality was not conducive to a romantic atmosphere.

The Countess took Petunia by the ear and thundered down the wooden pier with such forceful steps that the fish below scattered to find safety in deeper waters. 

~ To Be Continued ~ 

CRAB LOUIE V: CH 1: ONCE UPON A TIME

The Lamentable Life & Times

of

Crab Louis Le Roux The Fifth

or

OH HENRY!

"Innocence is like a dumb leper who has lost his bell, wandering the world, meaning no harm."

-Graham Green

Once upon a time there was a candidate for governor who owned many businesses on a pier in California where tourists often came to watch the sparkling Pacific Ocean while they dined.

One Christmas Eve he hosted a gala event, a fund raising party at his best restaurant, 101 CRABS, A JAZZ CLUB AND FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT.

Mayor George Miller never did get elected governor.  Voter turn out was so low that no one got elected.

This  is the story of how California came to be such a laid back state and how love, sweet love, can turn anyone in to a raving maniac.  For, as the saying goes, the more one loves, the stronger the absurd grows.

 

~ To Be Continued ~

DAME J E MARSHALL PRODUCTIONS BRINGS YOU CRAB LOUIE V

A sweet romance,

A big adventure,

Plenty of danger,

Environmental changes,

A dose of mad science,

Several mysterious strangers,

A dead man,

And one badass crab.

FROM DAME JE MARSHALL PRODUCTIONS, THE STORY OF A BAD CRAB

"I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch..." the little girl sang like Doris Day as they sat on the windowsill and watched the people stroll on the pier below.

"Mercy! What nonsense! Now you are being silly! When have you ever been alone or experienced loneliness?  Marinate me at once!  I have had a shock! More wine!"  Louie Le Roux motioned with his claw for Petunia to pour more champagne into the bedpan.  She complied.  He sighed with relief and spit a little on the windowpane, as is a crab's habit.