CH 16: MR. GREEN PANTS LE ROUX | CRAZY AND DECKED IN FINERY

Toi qui,comme un coup de couteau,
Dans mon coeur plaintif es est entree;
Toi qui forte, comme un troupeau
De demons, vins ,folle et paree

                             ~Charles Baudelaire

Le Roux tried to blend into the crowd while he imagined what he would say to the countess. It would have to be brief and very good. She had keen reflexes. That was one of many traits he adored in her but tonight it seemed to be working against his cause.

He was hardly noticed in the crowd that was mesmerized 
by RED MADONNA AND THE RED MADONNAS. No one batted an eye when he exhibited crustacean behaviours from force of habit. He had, after all, been a scavenger longer than he had been a man and these transitions could make anyone forget how to behave under the circumstances. He was busy eating the lint from his bellybutton but spit it out quickly when he realized it wasn't organic and no one else was doing it.

Meanwhile on the sports fishing pier, Petunia just about had enough. She had waited for what seemed like an eternity. The crab stood her up. She searched the wharf in vain for Mr. "green pants" Le Roux and then marched off to check the bedpan in the bay window just in case Le Roux had become his old self again.

Petunia was just about to give into frustration and go tell Dr. OMG what she'd done and how everything went wrong. She decided to tidy up first, emptied the bed pan and hid the Dom Perignon bottles so that she would not be bogged down in too many explanations. It was then that she glanced out of the alcove window and saw her brother being murdered by Mr. Green Pants, aka Henry Merci, occupied by the horrid Louis Le Roux V.

~ To Be Continued ~

CH 14: PLAN B | GETTING READY FOR LOVE

Le Roux regained consciousness on the sand under the pier. He still occupied Henry Merci's shell and it was smarting like hell from the blow he'd received from the love of his life, Countess Victoria Von Van Dee De La Fountainebleute. 

"Perhaps I should have spruced up before I declared my love. I shall make the necessary repairs to win her!" Le Roux was more determined than ever.

First he barged into Ivana's IVANA CUT YOUR HAIR salon and demanded a fetching do. He was drawn to the style a fellow in a magazine was sporting and asked about it. He hated the silky hair he had inherited from Henry Merci. It fell into his new face and hampered his vision. The fellow in the magazine had great blue spikes that stood straight up and seemed to please him.

"Can you see through the tips when they are arranged that way?" He asked Ivanna. She wasn't sure what he meant.

"If someone sit behind you at the opera, they can probably still see the opera. Or they can move. I don't know." Ivanna had never been asked this question before so she had to think on the spur of her toes.

Le Roux grew even more impatient. Time was moving with wicked speed and he had to rescue his proud dream from the rocks.

"Well then, bother it all! Shave my head and be done with it!" he snapped since he couldn't see thru the tips of his hair when they pointed down and no one could tell him if he would be able to see through them if they were stationed up.

Le Roux was so rude they mistook him for a rich man and did what he said. When his head was clean shaven he looked in the mirror and out of habit spit. Then he ran out without paying the bill or leaving a tip.

He repeated this behaviour in various shops up and down the pier until nearly everyone wished they could get their hands on him.

Marcel was the only one who didn't light out after Le Roux. He simply reported the incident to the pier police and allowed them handle it.

"Did the perpetrator have any identifying marks," the officer inquired.

Marcel informed the officer that there was a broken heart tattoo with the name "Vicky" right in the middle of the young man's forehead. Marcel had just finished putting it there at the young man's request.

"That helps," the officer put on his helmet and as he walked toward his bicycle, Marcel called out.

"Officer, you didn't ask me what his name was," Marcel complained.

"You know his name?" the officer squinted.

"Everybody knows Henry Merci, the pier gondalier," Marcel squinted back.

~ To Be Continued ~

CHAPTER 13: TESLA AND TWAIN DO LUNCH IN 2035

It had started as an innocent Christmas gift. Nikola Tesla and Mark Twain used the time machine to travel to the year 2035 to enjoy a break from the whipping wind, sleet, snow and prying eyes.

They were enjoying a meal at an outdoor cafe overlooking a sleepy harbor in California.

"This was a wonderful idea!  I admit I was worried at first. Worried what we might find.  But this is nice," Tesla confessed to Twain.

"It's a comfort to know mankind made such strides. There are no wars. Everyone uses solar power. The entire world is clean, healthy and happy!  Imagine that! I never would have believed it! Thank you my friend. This was a marvelous!  Of course, it presents one problem. How do I explain my new found optimism when we return to our time?" Mark Twain laughed.

"By Jove!" Tesla exclaimed.

"What is it?" Twain asked.

"That boat! A dog just materialized on deck out of thin air!" Tesla started and before he finished, a second dog, then a third dog landed on the deck.

Suddenly it was raining dogs, palm trees, cars, buses, and buildings.

"Look out Sam!" Tesla cried, but it was too late. A lady and her husband fell out of the sky and landed right on Mark Twain and his leg snapped.

Mark Twain and Nikola Tesla transported back to 1894 to sort out what they had witnessed.

"According to my calculations, at the rate all these people, plants, animals and objects are slamming into the earth, the earth will be knocked out of orbit, freeze solid and then hurl into the unknown in a matter of hours," Tesla informed Mark without looking up from his papers.

"What does this mean?" Mark asked.

"It means we have travel back in time to Merlin's cave," Tesla started.

"How can we find it?"  Twain tried to stand but moaned and sat down fast because his broken leg was killing him.

"First we have to fix your leg," Tesla started flipping through his journals.

Under the duress of the moment, Tesla hardly had time to enjoy having taken the first x-ray and launching the world's first bone and soft tissue mender on the same afternoon.  

Tesla re-calibrated the time machine to match matter instead of time.

"We are going to travel to where this book came from," Tesla held Merlin's book of magic, the very same book he had used to build the time machine.

Twain and Tesla materialized in the mysterious crystal cave where Merlin was said to have become a hermit.

"He isn't here!" Mark Twain was alarmed. "Now what?"

Tesla ripped a page out of one of Merlin's journals.

"He's probably with this woman.  She was stealing from him," Tesla showed Twain the sketch of a woman Merlin had drawn. "In fact, from the way this place looks, she may have kidnapped Merlin!"

"We're not going to be able to find her with that sketch!" Twain exclaimed.

"Then we'll have to calibrate the machine to take us to the rest of this!" Tesla held up a two foot long gleaming silver stand of Merlin's hair.

~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

CHAPTER 12: IT IS YOU I LOVE! ZUT ALORS!

Countess Fountainebleute fluttered about at Mayor Miller's gala event.  She said all the right things to all the right people but they hardly heard her.  She kept her rage hidden behind a nauseating demi-smile.

Everyone had crowded the stage between sets to have their photo taken with Red Madonna And The Red Madonnas. All iPhones were on the racy Russian rockers.

Even Verge was smitten by Red Madonna.  When she returned to the stage for the next set, she threw her headband and Verge caught it and clutched it to his heart.  The countess took him aside and demanded to know why he wasn't with Julia Miller, the Mayor's daughter.

"She has a boyfriend. She's in love with Henry Merci," Verge whined and tiptoed so he could see what Red Madonna was doing.

There was so much commotion in the club and on the pier that Mayor Miller was being pulled in all directions.  Reporters tried to corner him to ask if the helicopter that just landed on the roof was the FBI or the CIA and how he supposed harboring international fugitives was going to effect his political career.

Mayor Miller flatly remarked that he did not book bands, that his employee Henry Merci booked the talent. He pulled away from the nest of reporters and ran right into the countess. She demanded the head of Henry Merci on a plate.  Mayor Miller went out to the deck to fetch it for her.

Behind the club on the deck, Julia Miller and Henry Merci were on the verge of their first kiss.  Julia tied a ribbon from her hair around his wrist. Henry gave her his ponytail band and she put it on her wrist as if it was a bracelet of incalculable worth. 

As they leaned in for the first kiss, Petunia's wish, Mayor Miller and the countess collided in the space time continuum and prevented the kiss.

"Yuck! You are ugly, stupid and you have a bad smell! I never want to see you again," Crab Louis Le Roux V's consciousness was now inhabiting Henry Merci's body and these were his first words in his new body.

Henry Merci found his consciousness in a crab soaking in a bedpan full of Dom Perignon. In addition to the shock of being instantly transformed into a crab, he was slammed by acute alcohol poisoning as well. He lost his wits for a bit and made sounds like an old ice machine in a run down motel.

"God! Oh God! If ever, NOT NOW! NOT TONIGHT!" were Henry's first words as a crab. Helpless and horrified, he looked down and in the distance saw his former face rudely barking at his beloved Julia. That and the Dom Perignon were more than he could take. He passed out.

Julia wondered if Henry was saying the awful words to throw off her father. She held her wrist that wore his hair band to her heart.

"It is YOU I love!" Louis Le Roux spun his new body around so he was face to face with the furious Countess Victoria Fountanibleute.

The countess reared back and punched him so hard that he was knocked out cold.

~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

CH 10: SISYPHUS GOES DOWN FOR THE COUNT

The Magic Crystal Shop was nestled in a triangle where the pier forked.  The lower level opened on both forks of the pier.  The upper level was Dr. OMG's apartment and had a panoramic view of the harbor.  He could look out to sea and watch the seals sleeping on the buoys.  He could watch the tourists come and go on the pier.  From his bedroom he had a view of the cozy little  rectangular marina and all the shops and restaurants that lined it on three sides.

For the first time in all his years of babysitting Petunia Fountainbleute, she was agreeable and eager to go to bed early.  She took her medication without fuss and went straight to bed.

Dr. OMG decided he would deliver a Christmas present to his good friend Bart Gusto who had just purchased a tour boat he named "SISYPHUS II" after the independent book store he'd owned for forty years which recently went under due to the changing times.

Bart had decorated his new boat with every conceivable Christmas decoration.  It stuck out like a sore thumb.

"I can't stay for dinner, " Dr. OMG offered his regrets.  They had planned to spend Christmas eve together.  Bart had prepared quite a party spread and was devastated by the news.

"I prepared hor d'oeuvres de mepris! Enough so we could complain until New Years Day!"  Bart picked up a tray and offered his friend an appetizer.

"I am babysitting without notice again. I thank my lucky stars that she went to sleep without incident for a change," Dr. OMG explained.

"Well, have a drink at least, one drink," Bart was lonesome and trying not to think about how bad business was.

By and by both men lost track of time and were roaring drunk.  Bart opened his present from Dr. OMG.  It was a can of paint.

"What?" Bart was confused. "What kind of present is this?"

"I'll tell you why you have no customers, my friend. No one wants to get into a smelly old boat called 'SYPHILIS'!  You need to change the name," Dr. OMG offered.

"SISYPHUS! Day and night, man! SISYPHUS!" Bart gasped.

"You talk as if you believe we live in a literate society!  Shall we take an opinion poll, ask every passerby what the name of your boat means and see who is right?"

Bart took a deep swig directly from the bottle and flopped into a deck chair.

Dr. OMG took the bottle, held it high in the air and began to talk to it.

"Alas, I know thee well. Thou hast my reason killed and my thoughts made muddy....."

Bart got comfortable and settled in to enjoy the soliloquy.

Twelve year old Mark Twain's and twelve year old Nikola Tesla's jaws dropped as they eavesdropped with their fingers laced in the chain link fence that surrounded the boats bobbing in the marina.

Without missing a beat, Dr. OMG spun on his heels holding up the can of paint where the whiskey bottle had been.

"How would you boys like to make a few bucks?"

~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

CH 9: HENRY MERCI THROWS HIS VOICE | OH HENRY! CRAB LOUIE V

Mayor George Miller gave Henry Merci one more chance and Henry was in the process of blowing it big time.

Ordinarily Henry was a people pleaser but something snapped when he turned around and saw the couple to whom Mayor Miller told him to give the royal treatment. Henry's heart sank. Julia Miller was standing next to Verge Fountainbleute while he pinned a festive corsage to her sweater.

"This is my daughter! Don't mess this up!" Mayor Miller grabbed the front of Henry's shirt, pulled him closer and growled in his ear. "Do you hear me?"

Henry nodded yes.  Mayor Miller released him and shoved him towards the gondola. 

Henry couldn't help himself.  He wanted to be a good gondolier, but how could he, under these circumstances? How could he just stand there and watch the debonair Verge Fountainbleute sweet talk the love of his life?

With a heavy heart, Henry steered the gondola out into the harbor.  

Before Henry Merci's parents had so mysteriously vanished, they ran a booth near the arcade where they put on puppet shows on weekends, holidays and special occasions like birthday and anniversary parties.  Over the years Henry had become an accomplished ventriloquist as well as an excellent mime, just like his parents.  Without premeditation he called upon these strong skills in this the hour of his despair.

Verge was suave.  He was nonchalant.  His mother told him to woo Julia and he never considered the possibility of disappointing her.

"Julia, you look..." Verge planned to say 'amazing' but, "...like a scrawny stalk of slimy, rotten asparagus..." seemed to come out of his mouth.

Henry threw the awful words and made them seem to come out of Verge's mouth.

When Julia looked back at Henry, she was even more shocked because he mimed with great haste that his heart was bursting with love for her.  When Verge saw Julia's eyes bug out, he turned to see what Henry was doing but saw Henry was suddenly as expressionless as a guard at Buckingham Palace.

"Verge..." Julia started to speak.  Once again, Henry threw his voice, imitating her voice so perfectly that it was frightening.

"I think we should return to shore as soon as possible so I may see about becoming pregnant by the gondolier," Julia seemed to be saying.

It was by far the worst date Verge had ever been on and in spite of his mother's aspirations,  he did not want to see Julia Miller ever again.

~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

CHAPTER 6: OH HENRY! OH HENRY! FOLLOW THAT CRAB!

Henry Merci was hot on the trail of the vicious crab that had practically torn the thumbs off his good friend Chef Otis.  As best he could with his bleeding hands wrapped in towels, Otis motioned towards the gondola that Henry had just left the elderly couple waiting in when he heard the awful clamoring in the kitchen.

Henry was mortified to see that his gondola was violently rocking.  It was as if there had been a terrible earthquake, only his was the only boat in the harbor that was pitching to and fro.

Henry ran as fast as he could and then held the ramp rails to slide down faster than he could run.  He stopped short and almost crashed into the disheveled elderly couple trying to work their way up the ramp.

"Did you see an awful crab with a broken heart tattoo that says, 'Vicky'?" Henry called after them and rested his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

"Yes we did and we are not coming back until you can prove it's gone.  I don't mind telling you I don't approve of the language it used in front of my wife!" The elderly man patted and adjusted his Greek fisherman's cap and was thankful that it had not been lost in the fray.  He recommended to his wife that she also check herself to be sure nothing important was missing.

"We will be waiting in the cocktail lounge trying to recapture the mood until you inform us that that vile creature has been incarcerated.  I got a good look at him and will make myself available to testify in a line up if it comes to that," The elderly man took his wife's arm and they cautiously wobbled up the ramp and left the scene.

Henry went to inspect the gondola.  He was on his belly with his head under the bench when what the old man said finally sank in.  The old man had indicated that the crab had used language, foul language at that.  The very idea made Henry's head rear up abruptly and smack hard against the bench he was under.  It never works out well when large ideas come in tight quarters.  Henry decided to rest there for a moment and think everything over from the beginning, calmly and rationally.  The water slapping the boat about softly now was almost as comforting as he remembered being rocked in his parent's arms had been.  How he missed them, especially with Christmas drawing near.

All of a sudden Henry thought he heard the voice of an angel.

"Oh, Henry! Oh, Henry!  Why are you called 'Merci'? If you were truly of mercy made, would I be so starved for a kiss? Take a rich man's name so my dad will let us date or live up to your name and show me mercy tonight!" The beautiful Julia Miller whispered into the sea mist that was rolling into the harbor. She leaned on the deck railing and searched the heavens for a break in the clouds where she might find a star to wish upon.

Henry scrambled to his feet faster than a firecracker.

"Here I am!  O God, Julia! I'm right here!  I'll do anything you want, anything you need, anything! I'm right here! Oh! Julia!" Henry threw his arms up in the air with such enthusiasm that they almost flew out of their sockets. He managed to stay in one piece but fell out of the gondola and splashed into the black water of the harbor.

At the very moment, Mrs. Miller opened the sliding glass door and flooded the deck with sounds from the live band and the happy party guests.

"You're not wearing your sweater!  You'll catch your death!"  Mrs. Miller pulled her daughter inside.

Also at the same moment, Mayor George Miller rattled the ramp as he stomped down towards the gondola with the offspring of some of his wealthiest constituents and demanded that Henry produce himself to explain why the romantic gondola rides were so backed up.

~ To Be Continued ~

DRAMATIS PERSONAE of OH HENRY! THE LAMENTABLE LIFE AND TIMES OF CRAB LOUIS LE ROUX V

DAME J. E. MARSHALL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS

OH HENRY! 

THE LAMENTABLE LIFE AND TIMES

 OF

CRAB LOUIS LE ROUX THE FIFTH

Dramatis Personae

Mayor George Miller, running for governor of California

Mrs. Miller, George's wife

Julia Miller, Mayor's daughter

Countess Victoria Von Van Dee La Fountainebleute`

Verge Fountainebleute`, Vicky's son, Julia's suitor

Petunia Fountainebleute`, Vicky's hyperactive daughter

Louis Le Roux V, Fountainebleute`'s evil familiar

Henry Merci, wharf waif, Jack-of-all-trades

Bart Gusto, fishing/tour boat owner, Henry's friend

Otis, deaf chef, Henry's friend

Reverend Dr. John Lawrence OMG, Magic Crystal Ship Shop Owner

Marcel, tattooist

Ivanna, owner of "Ivanna Cut Your Hair" salon

Estrella, mechanical gypsy at pier arcade

Red Madonna And The Red Madonnas, Russian Rock Band

12 Year Old Mark Twain

12 Year Old Nikola Tesla