CH 10: SISYPHUS GOES DOWN FOR THE COUNT

The Magic Crystal Shop was nestled in a triangle where the pier forked.  The lower level opened on both forks of the pier.  The upper level was Dr. OMG's apartment and had a panoramic view of the harbor.  He could look out to sea and watch the seals sleeping on the buoys.  He could watch the tourists come and go on the pier.  From his bedroom he had a view of the cozy little  rectangular marina and all the shops and restaurants that lined it on three sides.

For the first time in all his years of babysitting Petunia Fountainbleute, she was agreeable and eager to go to bed early.  She took her medication without fuss and went straight to bed.

Dr. OMG decided he would deliver a Christmas present to his good friend Bart Gusto who had just purchased a tour boat he named "SISYPHUS II" after the independent book store he'd owned for forty years which recently went under due to the changing times.

Bart had decorated his new boat with every conceivable Christmas decoration.  It stuck out like a sore thumb.

"I can't stay for dinner, " Dr. OMG offered his regrets.  They had planned to spend Christmas eve together.  Bart had prepared quite a party spread and was devastated by the news.

"I prepared hor d'oeuvres de mepris! Enough so we could complain until New Years Day!"  Bart picked up a tray and offered his friend an appetizer.

"I am babysitting without notice again. I thank my lucky stars that she went to sleep without incident for a change," Dr. OMG explained.

"Well, have a drink at least, one drink," Bart was lonesome and trying not to think about how bad business was.

By and by both men lost track of time and were roaring drunk.  Bart opened his present from Dr. OMG.  It was a can of paint.

"What?" Bart was confused. "What kind of present is this?"

"I'll tell you why you have no customers, my friend. No one wants to get into a smelly old boat called 'SYPHILIS'!  You need to change the name," Dr. OMG offered.

"SISYPHUS! Day and night, man! SISYPHUS!" Bart gasped.

"You talk as if you believe we live in a literate society!  Shall we take an opinion poll, ask every passerby what the name of your boat means and see who is right?"

Bart took a deep swig directly from the bottle and flopped into a deck chair.

Dr. OMG took the bottle, held it high in the air and began to talk to it.

"Alas, I know thee well. Thou hast my reason killed and my thoughts made muddy....."

Bart got comfortable and settled in to enjoy the soliloquy.

Twelve year old Mark Twain's and twelve year old Nikola Tesla's jaws dropped as they eavesdropped with their fingers laced in the chain link fence that surrounded the boats bobbing in the marina.

Without missing a beat, Dr. OMG spun on his heels holding up the can of paint where the whiskey bottle had been.

"How would you boys like to make a few bucks?"

~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

CH 9: HENRY MERCI THROWS HIS VOICE | OH HENRY! CRAB LOUIE V

Mayor George Miller gave Henry Merci one more chance and Henry was in the process of blowing it big time.

Ordinarily Henry was a people pleaser but something snapped when he turned around and saw the couple to whom Mayor Miller told him to give the royal treatment. Henry's heart sank. Julia Miller was standing next to Verge Fountainbleute while he pinned a festive corsage to her sweater.

"This is my daughter! Don't mess this up!" Mayor Miller grabbed the front of Henry's shirt, pulled him closer and growled in his ear. "Do you hear me?"

Henry nodded yes.  Mayor Miller released him and shoved him towards the gondola. 

Henry couldn't help himself.  He wanted to be a good gondolier, but how could he, under these circumstances? How could he just stand there and watch the debonair Verge Fountainbleute sweet talk the love of his life?

With a heavy heart, Henry steered the gondola out into the harbor.  

Before Henry Merci's parents had so mysteriously vanished, they ran a booth near the arcade where they put on puppet shows on weekends, holidays and special occasions like birthday and anniversary parties.  Over the years Henry had become an accomplished ventriloquist as well as an excellent mime, just like his parents.  Without premeditation he called upon these strong skills in this the hour of his despair.

Verge was suave.  He was nonchalant.  His mother told him to woo Julia and he never considered the possibility of disappointing her.

"Julia, you look..." Verge planned to say 'amazing' but, "...like a scrawny stalk of slimy, rotten asparagus..." seemed to come out of his mouth.

Henry threw the awful words and made them seem to come out of Verge's mouth.

When Julia looked back at Henry, she was even more shocked because he mimed with great haste that his heart was bursting with love for her.  When Verge saw Julia's eyes bug out, he turned to see what Henry was doing but saw Henry was suddenly as expressionless as a guard at Buckingham Palace.

"Verge..." Julia started to speak.  Once again, Henry threw his voice, imitating her voice so perfectly that it was frightening.

"I think we should return to shore as soon as possible so I may see about becoming pregnant by the gondolier," Julia seemed to be saying.

It was by far the worst date Verge had ever been on and in spite of his mother's aspirations,  he did not want to see Julia Miller ever again.

~ TO BE CONTINUED ~

CH 8: DON'T TALK TO THAT CRAB!

Dr. OMG had noticed the Russians were following him and Petunia everywhere they went.  They peered around pillars, elbowed and shoved each other up and down the pier.  Each one wanted the other to confirm the dinner invitation. Dr. OMG did not notice that 12 year old versions of Twain and Tesla were also tailing him.

Dr. OMG and Petunia decided to dine at a family style seafood restaurant next to the arcade.  He ordered corn on the cob, steamed crabs with four wooden mallets and formally invited the Russian boys to join them for dinner.  After a very noisy, lively meal, the boys thanked Dr. OMG profusely and ventured off to find a surface they may have missed plastering a Red Madonna poster upon.

Dr. OMG and Petunia strolled into the arcade to while away the evening.  Petunia put a quarter into the mechanical fortune teller, "Estrella".

"I wish I was BIG!" she drew a big breath and wished with all her might.

Out popped the same card she always got and it made her as angry as ever.

"It says I talk too much!  It says I have to develop other qualities to make up for my TALKATIVENESS! It says I have a bad temper and am often fooled by flattery!  It says I will be asked to take an exciting trip but I must say no!  It says, 'Don't go!'  It says I must not talk to the redheaded man!  It says I'm messy and tend to EXAGGERATE things! I have a BILLION of this very same card at home!" Petunia stormed off to the change counter and demanded her quarter back.

"That gypsy gypped me again!  It only has ONE fortune in it!  No matter how many times you try, you always get the same fortune!  It's not fair!"  Petunia complained.

The clerk grabbed a roll of quarters and one by one put them into "Estrella".  Each time a different fortune came out.

"Sorry kid, I can't give you your quarter back," the clerk went back to the counter muttering something about rich kids.

Petunia was so angry that she kicked Estrella and threw her fortune card on the ground.

"Now, now," said Dr. OMG. "You are a very intelligent little girl, Petunia."

"I'm not so little," Petunia softened dramatically with the flattery.  She quit her tantrum and took a deep breath.

"You can prove Estrella is mistaken by controlling your temper and cleaning up after yourself.  That would certainly prove it to me," Dr. OMG suggested, hoping that behavior modification therapy might work were potions had failed.

Petunia bent down to pick up her fortune card.  She heard something.

"Pssst!" Louis Le Roux the Fifth got her attention. He was under Estrella clicking his claw like a castanet.

"Hey!" Petunia dropped down on her belly to get a better look.

"Hay is for horses.  Do I look like a horseshoe crab to you?" Louie quipped.

"Say that again!"  Petunia demanded with delight.

"I will not!  How would you like it if I made you repeat yourself?" Louie droned as if he was bored to death.

"I like you. I like you a lot!"  Petunia was very happy to meet Louis the talking crab.  She wondered if technically he was a redhead and decided he was not.

"You have very good taste, I must say," Louis informed her.

"Thank you!" Petunia rested her chin on her hands and kicked her feet to and fro for joy.

"PETUNIA! You are ruining your party dress! Get up off of that filthy floor! What are you doing down there anyway?!" Dr. OMG felt something shift inside him.  He spied the crab claw with the broken heart tattoo that read, 'Vicky' and was very unsettled.

"DON'T TALK TO THAT CRAB! HE'S A FAMILIAR!" Dr. OMG said in a guttural voice that didn't feel like his own.  He did not know how he knew what he was saying.

"No he isn't!  I've never seen him before! I would remember! He's so cute!" Petunia declared.

"Not as cute as you,"  Louis purred.  Petunia was as happy as a kitten in catnip.

"Not that kind of  'familiar'," Dr. OMG took her arm and made her get up while he continued his lecture.

"A familiar is an animal that works for a witch.  They run wicked errands for the forces of evil.  You mustn't consort with them, do you hear?"  he scolded.

"Yes, Dr. OMG, I'm listening," Petunia dropped her bag, winked at Louis and pretended to be listening to Dr. OMG's speech.  Louis knew what to do and did it. He crawled into his next victim's bag.

~ To Be Continued ~

RIPPED FROM THE PAGES OF WILLIAM SHAKEPEARE'S ROMEO AND JULIET, HERE COMES TROUBLE, TROUBLE, TROUBLE

These boys would make a good chorus for the Shakespearean version of CRAB LOUIE V

https://vine.co/v/htqYXLwvJ7V

Ripped from the pages

of

Master

 William Shakespeare's

ROMEO AND JULIET

With Darkness Borrowed

From

MACBETH

And Determination

Heisted From

HENRY V

With Tips Taken From

TITUS ANDRONICUS

THIS VALENTINE'S DAY

DAME JE MARSHALL PRODUCTIONS

PRESENTS

CRAB LOUIE V

The Valentine Guaranteed To Leave A Scar

CH 7: RED MADONNA, SHE'S NOT ESCAPE FROM PUSSY RIOT I CAN ASSURE YOU

"Excuse to me, old man, I'm not speaking English but if I can plaster my sister to your vindow?  I can assure you she is not escape-ed from Pussy Riot.  She is from lesser unknown Red Madonnas band currently seeking asylum in your country after first gig tonight," a polite young Russian man asked Dr. OMG for permission to post the announcement that his sister was preforming at 101 Crabs Jazz Club.

"Proceed,"  Dr. OMG replied as he locked up shop.  He was taking Petunia Fountainebleute to the arcade to avoid hefty property damage to his shop.

"Is that is like 'yes' or 'leave out of here'," the young man's younger cousin fretted.

"That is like yes. I'm not going to be Scrooge on Christmas Eve," Dr. OMG noticed that every available flat surface of the pier was plastered with the posters expounding the musical merits of RED MADONNA AND THE RED MADONNAS.

Petunia tugged on the jacket of the youngest man and translated for him.

"He said, 'Bah Humbug! Do what you want! Whatever!'" she whispered.

"What did she say? Are we allowed to do this?" Red Madonna's brother asked his little cousin.

"She said they are going to eat humburger.  I think she says we can come too, so hurry up, will you?"

"You are always eating.  I think you have an international leak or worms being taped in you,"  The older boy plastered a poster on the shop window.

"Who is going to tape worms?  Is anything make less noise than a worm?" the younger lad asked.

"This is land of opportunity.  They tape everything. All worm in USA is tape worm. Tonight they tape my sister and then it is all over for us," he pat his little cousin on the back, "Let us go get bah humburger! You're a pickle, eat your lettuce! It's an order! Do not upset us!" he began to sing what he could recall of the jingle.

"Whatever!" the younger one agreed whole heartedly.

~To Be Continued~

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE: CRAB LOUIS LE ROUX THE FIFTH

WANTED

 

DEAD OR ALIVE

 

 

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE

 

THIS CRUSTACEAN

 

ON YOUR OWN

 

CRAB LOUIS LE ROUX V

 

IS SHARP AND DANGEROUS!

 

 



CHAPTER 6: OH HENRY! OH HENRY! FOLLOW THAT CRAB!

Henry Merci was hot on the trail of the vicious crab that had practically torn the thumbs off his good friend Chef Otis.  As best he could with his bleeding hands wrapped in towels, Otis motioned towards the gondola that Henry had just left the elderly couple waiting in when he heard the awful clamoring in the kitchen.

Henry was mortified to see that his gondola was violently rocking.  It was as if there had been a terrible earthquake, only his was the only boat in the harbor that was pitching to and fro.

Henry ran as fast as he could and then held the ramp rails to slide down faster than he could run.  He stopped short and almost crashed into the disheveled elderly couple trying to work their way up the ramp.

"Did you see an awful crab with a broken heart tattoo that says, 'Vicky'?" Henry called after them and rested his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

"Yes we did and we are not coming back until you can prove it's gone.  I don't mind telling you I don't approve of the language it used in front of my wife!" The elderly man patted and adjusted his Greek fisherman's cap and was thankful that it had not been lost in the fray.  He recommended to his wife that she also check herself to be sure nothing important was missing.

"We will be waiting in the cocktail lounge trying to recapture the mood until you inform us that that vile creature has been incarcerated.  I got a good look at him and will make myself available to testify in a line up if it comes to that," The elderly man took his wife's arm and they cautiously wobbled up the ramp and left the scene.

Henry went to inspect the gondola.  He was on his belly with his head under the bench when what the old man said finally sank in.  The old man had indicated that the crab had used language, foul language at that.  The very idea made Henry's head rear up abruptly and smack hard against the bench he was under.  It never works out well when large ideas come in tight quarters.  Henry decided to rest there for a moment and think everything over from the beginning, calmly and rationally.  The water slapping the boat about softly now was almost as comforting as he remembered being rocked in his parent's arms had been.  How he missed them, especially with Christmas drawing near.

All of a sudden Henry thought he heard the voice of an angel.

"Oh, Henry! Oh, Henry!  Why are you called 'Merci'? If you were truly of mercy made, would I be so starved for a kiss? Take a rich man's name so my dad will let us date or live up to your name and show me mercy tonight!" The beautiful Julia Miller whispered into the sea mist that was rolling into the harbor. She leaned on the deck railing and searched the heavens for a break in the clouds where she might find a star to wish upon.

Henry scrambled to his feet faster than a firecracker.

"Here I am!  O God, Julia! I'm right here!  I'll do anything you want, anything you need, anything! I'm right here! Oh! Julia!" Henry threw his arms up in the air with such enthusiasm that they almost flew out of their sockets. He managed to stay in one piece but fell out of the gondola and splashed into the black water of the harbor.

At the very moment, Mrs. Miller opened the sliding glass door and flooded the deck with sounds from the live band and the happy party guests.

"You're not wearing your sweater!  You'll catch your death!"  Mrs. Miller pulled her daughter inside.

Also at the same moment, Mayor George Miller rattled the ramp as he stomped down towards the gondola with the offspring of some of his wealthiest constituents and demanded that Henry produce himself to explain why the romantic gondola rides were so backed up.

~ To Be Continued ~